Category Archives: Fiction

Librarian Jokes

Not too long ago, I found a joke on social media that started with “I asked the librarian for…” and ended with a funny one-liner.

I am not sure why it struck a chord like it did, but it set my brain on an endless loop, trying to come up with one-liners of my own. While I certainly wouldn’t categorize myself as a comedy writer, I had a lot of fun with “I asked the librarian for…” as a writing prompt. This is the result:

I asked the librarian for books on comedy. She said, “That’s a funny question.”
I asked the librarian for books about joy. She said she’d be happy to help!
I asked the librarian for books about exaggerations. She said that was the strangest question ever asked in the history of libraries.
I asked the librarian for books about intuition. She said she knew I would ask that.
I asked the librarian for books about silence. She didn’t answer.
I asked the librarian for books about fractures. She said, “Give me a break!”
I asked the librarian for books about wheels. Her answers kept going around in circles. Continue reading

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The Writers’ Olympics

I don’t think I am different from other writers. My mind can sometimes wander between paragraphs.

As I tossed a crumpled piece of paper in the wastebasket across the room, I cheered to myself, arms in the air, “Two points!”

But even though writing isn’t much of a spectator sport, I started daydreaming about what other sporting events could form part of an Olympic-level game for writers of all backgrounds.

The opening ceremonies would begin with poets, writers, editors, screenwriters, proofreaders and translators entering the arena, smiling and waving to a cheering crowd of spectators with an appreciation for the written word.

The athletes would gather on the field, in the centre of the arena, behind their national flags, taking care not to drop their notepads and laptop computers as they capture their thoughts on this momentous occasion.

The judges then enter the arena and gather by a symbolic pedestal of reference books, to take the oath to officiate with complete impartiality and to uphold the principles of good grammar and spelling.

Oprah Winfrey, the queen of book clubs around the world, would declare the games officially open with an enthusiastic, “Le-e-et the ga-a-ames be-e-egi-i-i-n!” Continue reading

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When Money Talks

Shopping CartsIt was a quiet Friday night at the grocery store, picking up the essentials for the week ahead, when I spotted it on the floor, peeping out from behind the rack of discounted fruit. A five dollar bill!

As human nature would suggest, I took a look around, as if somehow the link between this five dollar bill and anyone in the store would be immediately obvious. The store was a ghost town. There was almost no one to be found.

I took another look around, this time to see if anyone else saw it. Clearly there was no risk of anyone swooping in to collect it.

Normally, when it comes to picking up a coin off a sidewalk, I wouldn’t think twice or look twice to locate an owner. I would just do it. But this case seemed different. Maybe it was because it was private property. But what hit me the strongest was the fact that it was five dollars, not five cents.

As these thoughts were blazing through my mind and the ensuing analysis of whether to pick it up or not, I’m not sure if the fumes from my recent oven cleaning had anything to do with it, but I could have sworn the five dollar bill said “Psst… Psst… André! Not meant for you!”

I took another look around to see if anyone else heard that, but again, the nearest customers were either squeezing the Charmin or inquiring about whether they stocked Grey Poupon. I looked down again and considered what the five dollar bill was saying. Continue reading

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The Proposal

Paul: Hey Pete, a Pepsi perhaps?

Pete: I presume your provision of Dr. Pepper is not so plentiful?

Paul: I was poised to purchase pop, but was plagued by professional pressures.

Pete: OK then, a Pepsi would be perfect.

Paul: Any progress with Penelope?

Pete: Positively. We pored over the past and the present as well as the possibility of properly punctuating our plans. It’s possibly time to pull the plug on bachelor life and pledge my love.

Paul: Are you possessed? Penelope is so prim and proper and you portray the preppie player.

Pete: Permit me if I am not privy to your pompous presumptions, but I prefer to pass on your petty Continue reading

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Love at First Sight

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES“I spotted you across a crowded room a few weeks ago. We exchanged glances but it was clearly not our time yet. You have been on my mind ever since. I had to keep looking in your direction, once or sometimes twice per day, waiting for the day you would be available. Don’t be afraid though, I don’t mean that in a stalker kind of way. It was just the persistence of staying aware of your status as I did not want to miss my chance if and when it would come up, or risk someone else getting to you first.

You may not know this, but we go way back! We knew each other when we were kids. You might not recognize me though since those were my ‘husky’ years, but we saw each other often. You comforted me at a difficult time in my life back when I changed schools, became the less-than-popular kid and the target for bullies. Yes, we go way back and you will never know how much I appreciate the joy and comfort you brought. You mean a lot to me.

Throughout the years, a couple of people said you were not good for me, but I had to ignore them and make my mind up for myself. Some thought you were too sweet, some even thought you were a little plain, but what others thought didn’t matter to me… even today. There is a constant state of mystery about you which makes you that much more attractive to me yet guarded at the same time. Continue reading

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