It Was Sooo Cold…

Leave it to Ottawa to be a city of extremes when it comes to weather. As I am writing this, we are digging out from a fresh snowfall of 46 cm (18 inches) of snow in a 15 hour period… and still counting. And this is two days after a weekend that wasn’t just chilly… It wasn’t just cold… It was spine-tingling, bone chillingly frigid at -28 degrees Celsius, but with the wind, was said to feel like -42.

Having grown up in Ottawa, one of the coldest world capitals, I will admit that weather events like these are not much of a shock to the system anymore, but it warms my heart to think of the possibilities of ways that we can joke about it.

This past weekend, it was sooo cold…

– Even teenagers were wearing long pants.
– My chattering teeth destroyed my night guard.
– I vacuum just to warm up.
– My Microsoft Windows are frosted.
– I sweat icicles.
– My long underwear needs long underwear.
– Popsicles aren’t that cool anymore.
– Every birthday cake is an ice cream cake.
– My windows are shivering.
– I have to factor in an extra 10 minutes before any departure, for all the extra layers of clothing.
– Even my prayer plant is rubbing its hands.
– The new plastic money in my wallet is cold and stiff, which must be where the saying “cold hard cash” came from.
– My neighbour’s dog can get his business done in 9 seconds.
– My cat likes mocking the neighbour’s dog from her indoor perch, boasting about her indoor plumbing arrangement.
– Beer is always cold.
– Feather pillows are considering flying south.
– I need to wear footwear two sizes bigger on account of all the extra woolly socks.
– My furnace is seeking union representation about getting a 15 minute break.
– I microwave my coffee every 5 minutes.
– I open the refrigerator door for heat.
– The numbers on my digital thermometer won’t move.
– I refrain from jumping on the leather sofa for fear of breaking a hip.
– I need a chainsaw to cut into the butter left on the kitchen counter.
– I reflect on why my ancestors chose to settle here in the first place.
– There are just not enough blankets in the world.
– My cat doesn’t want me to pet her, my hands are too cold.
– My eye drops come out as snowflakes.
– Even the movie Frozen doesn’t seem that cold anymore.
– Even the dust bunnies are hibernating.
– Even my goosebumps are staying in.
– Even spring doesn’t want to visit.

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Sincere thanks for reading!
Have a great day,
André