1) Waiters and waitresses have an uncanny knack for coming and asking “is everything ok?.. can I get you anything else?” at the precise moment one has just taken a big bite of food.
2) How is it that I own 12 vases yet never seem to have the right size vase when someone brings over flowers?
3) As a writer, I must have writing pads and two dozen pencils scattered around the house, but how is it that I am always missing one of the two when I urgently need to capture a thought?
4) On a related note, how is it that I have 34 caps for pens in my desk drawer but nowhere near that many pens in the house?
5) On a bad-hair-day, no matter how bad you think your hair looks there’s always someone who’s having a worse-hair-day.
6) If the Bionic Woman could hear so well, why did she have to push her hair out of the way every time she tuned in bionically to a conversation?
7) Why do they bother to ask certain critics to review shows when they seemingly hate everything?
8) When a nickel falls out of your pocket, often it rolls and rolls and rolls away on you. This just goes to prove that even in today’s economic times, a nickel can go far.
9) In cold and flu season, we hear about the importance of proper hand washing techniques and singing the birthday song twice, as a guideline for duration. Have you ever noticed how some public restrooms dispense water one teaspoon at a time? By the time I finish singing the birthday song twice, one syllable at a time, I need to use the bathroom again and start over.
10) Nothing says springtime like that first drink out of the mouldy garden hose.
11) Nothing says summer like that first time you stick to a leather couch.
12) Have you ever noticed how the entire house smells like plastic when you change your shower curtain liner?
13) Have you ever noticed the mini-disaster it causes when you apply hand cream, and shortly thereafter you try to clean your glasses?
14) The bigger the van (and the more kids in the van), the longer it will take for the van to get through a McDonald’s drive-through.
15) Have you ever noticed how impossible it is to put your arms in the sleeves of a blazer when your hands are wet?
16) When someone realizes they are holding up the line at the store, why do they apologize to the cashier? The cashier is paid to stand there… it’s the people behind them who should be the recipients of said apology.
17) Have you ever noticed the perplexed look on people’s faces, when on an elevator, they realize that there are more numbers pushed, than there are people on the elevator.
18) In the “quiet” room of a library, there’s always someone with a really bad case of sniffles or a bad cough. This also applies to theatres and churches.
19) Have you ever noticed how the word awkward has such an awkward spelling?
20) Is it just me or is the guilt of eating potato chips reduced by 50%, when they are 50% sodium reduced?
21) After you’ve been swimming, there’s no easy way to get damp legs back into a pair of jeans.
22) As soon as you have changed a light bulb, it is guaranteed that another bulb will burn out in the same room within two or three days.
23) If you adjust the time on a clock (or several clocks), no sooner than you have them all synchronized and showing the right time that you will probably experience another power surge.
24) In some story telling styles, certain people take longer to explain an event, than it actually took for the event to happen.
25) The homes portrayed in decorator magazines don’t really reflect accurately the way most homes can look on a day-to-day basis. Where are the magazine and newspaper piles? Where are the empty glasses? Where are the toys, the electronic devices? Where are the seven remote controls?
26) In your haste to clean up a little mess, you inadvertently start making a bigger mess, that gets progressively bigger, soon requiring licensed professionals to repair the damage.
27) From my office building, there is an unobstructed view of cell towers on two sides. How can I possibly have the worst cell phone signal in the city?
28) I once thought of writing a book about things discussed in the men’s room, but the fact is it wouldn’t fill a brochure. Men don’t speak there.
29) On the road of life, it doesn’t matter how fast you are going, someone will want to go faster.
30) On the road of life, it doesn’t matter how slow you are going, someone will want to go even slower.
31) On the road of life, the more you need to go pee, the bumpier the road ahead.