ANDRE BEGIN

A few years back, I wrote an article in which I mentioned how stepping away from the office during the workday created a bit of an internal struggle for me. I don’t know if it was because I watched too many “Our Gang”/”Little Rascals” episodes when I was young, but there was an inherent fear of running into the truancy officer should I be seen in a place where I shouldn’t be.

It didn’t matter whether an absence was justified and pre-approved like a medical appointment, a dentist appointment or a vacation day; there was just something in my brain that kept me psychologically tethered to school or work.

Four years into retirement, has that feeling changed? Strangely, I don’t think I’m there yet.

That feeling is not a bad thing in itself, frankly. With so many blog topics and screenwriting ideas running through my head, staying close to the writing desk to capture as many of those glimmers of inspiration as I can, one could say it’s a win-win, given how much I love writing.

But when I do step away, why do I still feel like I’m doing something wrong, when I have full freedom to come and go as I please?

If I had to take a guess, it might stem from the fact that for most of my life, I always had to be somewhere. Whether it was the babysitter’s, primary school, high school, university, my part-time job, or my full-time career, attendance was important.

That being the case, the idea that I don’t have to be anywhere will probably take getting used to.

Of course, over the years, I did experience some carefree moments of freedom when my presence wasn’t missed. For example, when a high school teacher called in sick and we had a “study period.” To me, that was free time to do with as I pleased. And even better, when it was the last class of the day, there was no point in sticking around. Going home early was a serendipitous event in the name of “found time”. In my last year of high school, that meant getting home in time to catch the second half of the “Match Game/Hollywood Squares Hour” as game shows were always a not-so-guilty pleasure for me.

One time in my life in which I fully appreciated the meaning of coming and going as I pleased was when I got my driver’s licence, resulting in my first solo drive to the convenience store. I admit that the “corner store” was not the one just around the corner but rather more like a twenty-minute drive away, but it was an opportunity to assert my independence and spread my wings.

Strangely, I find myself struggling to regain that sense of complete freedom. When I leave the house, it’s not usually out of a burst of spontaneity, it tends to be a planned event, like for appointments, errands and groceries. Plus, when I am away from my writing projects for too long, a voice in the back of my head suggests in a parental tone, “Don’t you have something you should be doing?”

To recapture that sense of freedom from my youth, it has occurred to me to try going to a corner store twenty minutes away for old time’s sake, but at the price of gas and my declining energy levels, such spontaneity can become expensive and labour-intensive.

At the end of the day, I guess it’s one of those things that will come with practice. I have to let spontaneity kick in from time to time. If I woke up in the morning and wasn’t in the mood to write, why shouldn’t I allow myself the luxury to be in the moment and to do something completely frivolous and guilt-free? And when I do, I will just have to tell the little voice to buzz off because this time is for me and I completely deserve it!

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Sincere thanks for reading!
Have a great day,
André