ANDRE BEGIN

One day, a few years ago B.C. (Before Covid), a friend called to suggest we meet and do our “pre-Xmas dinner get-together” thing. We agreed to meet at a nearby shopping mall, on the night of a Moonlight Madness sale.

When I got to the mall, I was pleasantly surprised that I actually found a parking spot in less than thirty minutes. In fact, I found one in five. That gave me some extra time to play before meeting my friend.

As I strolled around the mall, I realized that my breath was perhaps less than fresh due to an especially garlicky lunch, and not ideally suited for a hug and a peck on the cheek.

“No big deal,” I thought to myself, “I’ve got a few extra minutes. I’ll just pick up a pack of gum or mints on the way, and I’ll be fine.”

I proceeded to the major department store’s lotto kiosk, where they sell lottery tickets and a large variety of confectionery items. Unfortunately, the line-up was so long, I could barely tell whether the lineup ended in men’s shoes, toddlers’ clothes or in the parking lot.

This could only mean one of two things, either the lotto jackpot was huge or all of these people were already reverting to “default” Christmas gifts (having given up on the creative shopping experience) and were going to give lottery tickets.

I decided to move on in search of a less busy place to seek out minty freshness.

I proceeded to the mall’s drug store. I stepped in, stopped, and stared. Every cash register was running, and there were lineups everywhere.

I wouldn’t venture to guess that people were into “default” Christmas gifts from the drug store like a bucket of Metamucil or a surprise pack of 24 rolls of toilet tissue. However, I did see several small appliances and lots of wrapping supplies. Made sense now.

That being the case, I skipped the drug store and moved on.

As the clock ticked away the minutes, I picked up the pace, dodging shoppers like a slalom run through the crowded hallway.

A bead of sweat formed on my brow as I stressed further about my cloud of garlic.

I jogged to the everything-is-approximately-one-dollar-store, always a sure bet for a quick candy fix.

Apparently, the other shoppers were on the same wave length, their handbaskets overflowing with stocking stuffers, party favours, candles and candy.

I watched as a lady walked out of the store with a very large bag not unlike the one Santa carries on his sleigh. I almost stopped to ask if she had an extra piece of gum she could spare, but then I realized that would be a little desperate.

By this point, I was at the complete opposite corner of the shopping mall from where I was to meet my friend. The bead of sweat on my brow had turned to a full Water Pik Shower Massage, given my jog, my parka and the well-heated shopping mall.

I walked by the mall’s family-style restaurant, pondering whether I could go in and beg for an after-dinner mint, but the fact is that I’ve only eaten there twice in the last twenty years. It wasn’t like I was a member of the family to them, so I dropped the idea.

As I thought I had run out of options, I was on my way back to our meeting location when I spotted the health food store where they also have a variety of bulk foods including some types of candy.

When I got to the store’s entrance, the line-ups didn’t look too bad. Even though there weren’t many people in line, each person in line had about twenty little bags of nuts, seeds and spices. Where is the “8 items of less” lane when you need it?

I managed to find a bulk bin of individually wrapped sugar-free mints. Success!

I took one of their plastic gloves, dug in my scoop and threw a small scoopful into a plastic bag and got into line.

When it was my turn to check out, I dropped my bag of mints on the scale, confident that in about 30 seconds, my breath would be fine for our joyful reunion.

The sales clerk cheerfully punched in the code for the candy and the cash register did its thing.

“That’ll be $7.92 please!” the clerk announced.

My jaw dropped… I focused back on the scale to make sure an anvil hadn’t suddenly dropped on it like might have happened in my Saturday morning cartoons.

Should I, shouldn’t I, should I, shouldn’t I… As the clock was ticking, I was conscious of the fact that I was wasting two seconds every time I asked myself the questions.

“Here’s ten”, I said as I handed the clerk my money, wondering if this is how muggings usually take place.

She handed back my change as I re-examined the teeny tiny bag of sugar-free mints, looking inquisitively at the clerk again.

She knew what my eyes were asking and replied “I know they’re expensive, but they’re worth it.”

Knowing that the holidays were almost upon us and I was likely to have more than my fair share of sweets anyway, it probably wasn’t a bad idea.

Also, in knowing as well that there was no possible way I could have remedied my halitosis at any other store in the mall, this was probably the only cure.

Anyhow, I quickly regained my minty freshness and I didn’t scare off my friend when we finally greeted each other with a big hug and started catching up on each other’s news.

However, to prevent this situation from happening again, I made a recurring entry on my iPhone for each November 1st, “stock up on breath mints – the budget-friendly kind”!

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Sincere thanks for reading!
Have a great day,
André